Hairball News

LONDON, ENGLAND (HBN) — 21 people were injured in one of the most rediculous sporting events that humans annually participate in on Friday. The event is known as the Cheese Rolling Race and takes place on Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire, England.

During the event, a bunch of absolute morons race down an extremely steep cliff in order to win a 32kg piece of cheese. People fall, roll around, and snap their bones left and right.

There are a total of four races that takes place - each with about 20 men and women participating. They are either really unintelligent, or just in need of a huge piece of Gloucester cheese.

Of the 21 injuries that took place, five were serious. These included a broken ankle, a concussion and a dislocated shoulder. Volunteer medical staff were there to take care of the “athletes”.

WASHINGTON, DC (HBN) – President Bush welcomed a group of bikers called the ‘Rolling Thunder’ today in Washington. The organization is a prominent group that was formed to help support military veterans and various issues they might have nationally.

President Bush had to be held back by members of the secret service when he was so mesmerized by the motorcycles that he demanded to ride with the group.

White House staff was quoted as saying, “President Bush crashed last weekend on a regular ol’ bicycle. We didn’t want him to kill himself on one of these motorcycles today.”

Bush apparently told the group to “ride safe” as they rode on to a rally at Robert F. Kennedy Stadium in the capital.

SAN FRANCISCO (HBN) — A pair of San Francisco’s finest cops have been caught with their pants down - on camera. Kelly Francisco and Darryl Watts, both of the San Francisco Sheriff’s Department, are under investigation for their participation in the making of Hardcore Porn.

A porno movie, entitled “Bus Stop Whores” features the police officers having a sexual encounter. One of the officers plays a money-grubbing prostitute, while the other plays the role of a john.

The best part for all the crazy web-surfers our there is that the movie is now in circulation throughout the internet!

Will Paris Hilton finally get a little cyber-sex-tape competition? It is still too early to be certain.

No significant punishment has been issued by the police officer’s superiors at this time.

LONG BEACH, CA (HBN) — According to a recent filing with the Los Angeles Superior Court, Snoop Doggy Dogg has filed for divorce from his high school sweetheart - Shante Broadus. (more…)

GOOD OL’ BOYS WHQ (HBN) – For $9.95 you too can own a pair of John Kerry Flip-Flops. www.KerryFlips.com is a conservative website that wants you to “Wear Original KerryFlips Products and Support Conservative Values”.

The website has reportedly received a lot of traffic. Its owner has been quoted as saying:

“A couple months ago I was just sitting at home and watching the news and just thinking, ‘Kerry’s flip-flopping on so many things — I just wish he would take a stand on something,’ ” said Kurt Aeschlimann from Knoxville, who described himself as a conservative. “Then you started hearing the phrase ‘flip-flopping’ in the news more, and quite frankly, it just hit my funny bone.”

The text of the website continues:

“Support President Bush when you wear this summer’s best-selling political product! You know John Kerry flip-flops on the issues… now you can show this truth to the rest of the world when you wear these custom designed Flip Flops and T-Shirts. Conservative Beachware at it’s best!”

No, that’s not all:

“Order today and receive a FREE ‘John Kerry, the Original Flip-Flop’ screensaver!”

Hmmm… you’ve got to be joking me.

NEW YORK, NY (HBN) – A Manhattan judge has fined an attorney $8,500 for bad behavior. The behavior cited, according to the Thursday edition of the New York Law Journal, includes barking like a dog at a witness.

State Supreme Court Justice Charles Ramos wrote that attorney David Fink’s behavior was the cause of “serious concerns about fitness to practice law.”

According to a transcript cited by the law journal, a party opposing Fink in a recent case said that he had received various “mad-dog lawyer’s letters” which were quite threatening.

The attorney is accused of yelping and making all kinds of racket during the deposition of a designer. This was a designer whom Fink’s client, Carl Levine, was suing for alleged breach of contract.

During a deposition in the recent contract dispute case, opposing party Kit Kittle spoke about one such “mad-dog” letter. Fink barked at him profusely.

According to the journal, Fink said he was “clearing his throat”.

LAKE TAHOE, CA (HBN) – How’s this for luck? A California man, Kurt Yoshio Kitajima, was down to his last 75 cents at a casino in Lake Tahoe. He then proceeded to win 1.3 Million Dollars!

Kitajima was apparently playing a game called “Wheel of Fortune” when he won the jackpot. You know, the game at casinos that looks like a complete rip-off - and actually is 99% of the time. He gambled his way down to a measly 75 cents before striking it rich at the Lakeside Inn and Casino in Stateline.

The Freemont, California native is reportedly is putting the money into his savings account. He should also probably steer clear of any more casinos. Although with this kind of luck, maybe he should just put $1,299,999.25 on a hand of blackjack. What the hell, right?